Dear
   Farticus Dear
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   Farticus Dear Farticus,

Ten days ago I drank tequila from the pussy of a Mexican whore.  This morning I woke up with a mouth full of sores.  What should I do?

Tijuana Tom


Dear Tijuana,

Drink stronger tequila.

Farticus Dear Farticus,

My wife is not the best cook, but every Thanksgiving she insists on cooking a turkey, which is way beyond her skill sets.  She has tried every method — bag, foil, deep-fried, last year it was beer-can turkey — but the result is invariably horrible.  The classic side dishes are just as bad.  What she calls "yams" I call "baby shit".  After seven years of this crash-and-burn holiday travesty I'm at my wits end.  What do you suggest?

Giving Thanks at Thanksgiving


Dear Giving,

Suck it up, big boy.  Be a man.  You have to appreciate the time she put in, so stop whining and eat the shitty bird.  And gobble up those side dishes, too.  You can always vomit in the middle of the night.

Farticus Dear Farticus,

My boyfriend wants to take me to an adult motel for Valentine's Day.  He thinks it'll be romantic.  I don't know how to tell him no.  Please help.

Sad Angelina


Dear Angel,

Although I normally advise wives and girlfriends to tolerate their mens' fetishes, in this case you need to lay down the law.  St. Valentine's Day is about love and romance, not sex.  If he wants to go to an adult motel, he should ask for it on his birthday.  Here's what you need to tell him, verbatim: "If you want to go to an adult motel, then you can drive downtown, pick up a $20 skank-rag and fuck her in the tepid, heart-shaped cumpot they call a jacuzzi.  Otherwise, you better bring me flowers, a big box of chocolates, and take me out to Black Angus, or you'll be rubbing your dick up against that double-sawbuck sperm-mop for the foreseeable future."  Trust me, it'll work with a self-centered hedge trimmer like your boyfriend.  He'll love the nasty talk, and you'll get the best freakin' dinner of your life.  And don't be afraid to order the pricey vino.  You'll have to pony up come birthday time.

Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus,

Your advice has ruined my life.  My boyfriend left me, maxed out my credit cards, emptied my checking account, and took the dog.  I can’t pay rent, so my landlord is evicting me.  What qualifies you to give advice to anyone?  You’re a fucking asshole.

Thanks For Nothing


Dear Thanks,

Thanks for the feedback.  -f Dear Farticus,

My husband and I have been married for 23 years.  Over the years we have enjoyed an active sex life, but he constantly tries to get me to have anal sex with him.  I do not enjoy it, so I have always refused.  Why should I do something I don’t enjoy?  Over the holidays we had a big fight over it.  Since then our sex life has pretty much stopped, and last week he mentioned the idea of getting twin beds.  I think he’s seeing someone else.  What should I do?

Lonely In Monrovia


Dear Lonely,

Your question reminds me of something I heard years ago from a one-eyed peg-legged whore I used to bang.  She said that almost all her clients are married men who love their wives, but their wives won’t indulge their fantasies and fetishes, whether it be talking dirty, role playing, or taking it in the ass.  Without a doubt your husband is getting ass on the side.  You need to ask yourself how important your marriage is to you.  If your marriage is not as important as keeping your butt dick-free, then maintain your course.  Otherwise you should consider a little buggery now and again, because, believe you me, there are plenty of women out there who will supply men with whatever freaky fucked-up fringe fetish they can think up.  A billion-dollar industry is based on it.  If you want a blonde midget to pee on your face while a prepubescent waif gives you a knobby, it’s available.  Think of it this way: how many chick flicks has your husband suffered through because it’s what you wanted to see, when the action flick he wanted to see is playing in the next theater?  Or how many chic neo-ethnic restaurants have you dragged him to when all he wants is a good steak?  He does it because he loves you.

Farticus Dear Farticus,

I read your advice to Lonely In Monrovia which essentially was telling her to submit to buggery with her husband even though she didn't want to because she sometimes selects the movies and restaurants they go to.  Are you out of your mind?  There is no comparison to sodomy and seeing a movie or eating out.  I've never read something so sexist and offensive in my life.  You're a pig.

Aghast & Offended


Dear Aghast & Offended,

Is it Aghast & Offended or Sexist & Offended?  I couldn't tell.  Either way, I'll assume you two are lesbians.  But don't worry, I have no prejudice against queers of any sex.  The siege of Yga lasted six years, and I baked more buns than any being has a right to, and, let me tell you, there were no women on the Plains of Ruehl.  So you can take that homophobe crap and introduce it to your Tampax.  But you've missed the point of my advice: it was about selflessness, doing something you’d prefer not to do because of love.  Selflessness is the heart and soul of love, for selflessness, in and of itself, is an act of love.

Farticus Dear Farticus,

Selflessness huh Farticus?  How about the need for self-love and self-respect and personal boundaries before loving another?  One might also argue that compassion and respect play a role in the "heart and soul of love."  Sure I'll go to that office party because I love you, but I'm not necessarily going to get matching tats or pierce my tits.  Ass.

Lebec


Dear Lebec,

Feel free to define love any way you want.  Lonely In Monrovia was concerned that her marriage was falling apart because, to some degree, she would not accommodate her husband's sodomy fetish.  Using your examples, I consider sodomy more akin to an office party than mutilating your body with tattoos or tit piercings.  Although sodomy might be considered "piercing" your ass, the hole is already there.

Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus b Dear Farticus,

I inherited $10,000 from my uncle.  I want to buy a bass boat with it, but my wife wants me to use it to start a college fund for our two-year-old.  What do you suggest, college fund or bass boat?

Fishin’ Magician


Dear Fishin’,

Bass boat.  By the time your rug rat is ready for college your ten grand won't even make a dent in the overall cost.  Higher education will not only be unaffordable to everybody but the very rich, it will probably be illegal for everybody but the very rich.  And I want to thank you for a question of real importance.

Farticus Dear [Farticus],

Introduce it to my tampax?  You're insane.  Sodomy is not selflessness.  Sodomy is painful.  It hurts.  I'm talking real physical pain!  Get a grip!

Aghast & Offended


Dear Aghast,

You again.  T'wat do I owe the pleasure?  When Urgyna, my bitchinatrix, divorced me she claimed that mental cruelty is far more painful than any physical torture and so she deserved to cut off my balls and get paid for it.  But, not surprisingly, you've misstated Lonely In Monrovia: she said that she did not enjoy anal sex, not that it was painful to her.  Had she said it was painful, my advice would have been different.  You, like so many other people, seem to believe that the way you experience something must be the way everybody experiences it.  Wars start that way.  I would never suggest anal intercourse for you, but I know plenty of women who enjoy it, in fact charge extra for it.

Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus Dear Farticus