Kevin Lassiter: Delusional Whackjob
 
FOOTHILL RANCH, CA - Three weeks ago Kevin Lassiter was attacked by a mountain lion on Borrego Trail in Orange County's Whiting Ranch Wilderness Park resulting in three four- and five-inch long claw marks requiring 27 stitches and a rabies shot.  The 47-year-old victim, a self-described homeless man, said he "wasn't scared at all."
 
Mr. Lassiter makes his home next to the dumpster across the street from the popular park.  At some point it seems his mind just walked away, and he has come to live in a Disneyesque delusion where the denizens of his alley, the cats and rats, birds and bugs, are all really cool critters who can sing, dance, and get along with their superiors in the food chain.
 
Was this Kev’s state of mind on August 6 when he decided to pet the cute little mountain lion cubs?  Did he think mom-cat would be so hip as to dig his vibe, invite him into their pride, and raise the lost pup in the ways of the wild?
 
Well, in an interview with KCAL 9 reporter Michele Gile, Lassiter answered all our questions when he explained that he tried to pet the three mountain lion cubs not only because he "was fascinated by them" but "because I'm a Leo...I'm a lion, as well...and I just wanted to say hi."
 
Ring...Ring...Ring
 
"Hello, Darwin Awards.  How may I help you?"
 
"I've got a guy you gotta meet..."
 
When I was a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things — well — hell, I still play with childish things, but!...I also remember the wisdoms my father taught me as a child.
 
He told of a time on the road to Wawona when he watched some idiot (Kev's kin?) get out of his car, walk into the grassy meadow, and try to hand-feed half a PBJ to a deer.  The beast struck out with its forelegs and cleaved Mr. Mind's right forearm wide open with its hoof as the wild animal knocked the sandwich out of his hand.  Lesson: No matter how cute, beautiful, or majestic, you do not fuck with wild animals.  A lesson Space Ranger Lassiter would have done well to learn.
 
But our delusional whackjob also happens to be one lucky bastard; instead of having his whole goddamn arm ripped off, throat chewed out, dragged into the underbrush, and permanently removed from the world gene pool, he only suffered three gashes, and his survival, no doubt, only reinforces his “I’m a lion” fantasy.  Now I'm pissed at the cat!
 
Four years earlier 35-year-old mountain biker Mark Reynolds was mauled to death by a big cat in the same park, on the same trail. Mark was an account executive at a sports management firm who always took time before Christmas to purchase new bicycles and helmets for underprivileged children — anonymously donating them to local churches.  Kevin Lassiter, on the other hand, is hoping to catch a bus to San Juan Capistrano.  Perhaps he wants to hobnob with the swallows...
 
 
Macduff
August 27, 2008
Michele Gile reporting
© 2007, 2008.  The views on this web site are opinions.  We reserve the right to exercise our First Amendment rights while we still have them. macduff
 
AVOID 
going on
nature walks with
this Looney Tune.
 
 
6.3
IDIOMETER Is He Contagious?
Just don’t smoke wtih him.
Name: Kevin Lassiter
Occupation: Delusional Whackjob
Induction Date: August 6, 2008
TheSmogBlog Proudly Inducts
Kevin “The Lion” Lassiter into the... Hall of Idiots!